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I really don't know where this post is going to end up. I had something planned out, but decided against it.

Sidenote: I lost a follower. I don't know why we take it personally, but I know it affects all of us haha.

I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I criticize a person in my life for not being able to let go of her past... yet I can't let go of her.

And what's crazy is the person that used to have this hold on me? We talked. Came out of nowhere, but we chatted one night last week. She actually apologized for all the shitty things she did at the end of our time together. It was unnecessary but I have to admit, it felt good to hear. It's nice to know we can check in on each other every now and then if we need and not have anything else come of it.

But back to her. I wish I could release whatever hold she has. In terms of affectiveness, she is nowhere near the one who came before. Maybe it's just that it's so recent? Or maybe, as cocky as this sounds, I KNOW I am a good guy and I honestly feel like she is going to regret this later.

I feel like I was rented from a movie store and I was the kind of purchase that was good to watch, but nothing you would want to buy. I think that's what hurts the most. I know I'm young, but I am honestly at the point that I would love to have that one on one with somebody. Where that other person just gets everything about you. And if they don't, they are curious. And I want to be that for someone else.

That's why, as much as it sucks to say, I don't think we are right together. I want us to be, I feel there is something there, but she doesn't.

I was talking to a blogger friend of mine (which, ironically you guys are becoming some of my best friends -- thanks) and I told her that me and said girl could still be together if I wanted to make it happen. I could have convinced her to stay with me, but that's when I realized we shouldn't be together. If I have to convince you, then what are we doing? My friend's response: "You are a good guy and you deserve someone who wants to be with you." So to this someone, where are you at? Let's hang out sometime, maybe we can go to a movie.

Like I said, I don't know where this post is going. Well, that's not entirely true. I know how I'm going to end it, but I don't know how I'm going to get there. Please don't take this as I am sad in life right now. In fact, this coming weekend is set to be one of the greatest in my life. Which I will probably do a post tomorrow that will show up on Sunday for the (50) Sundays of Music countdown and then you probably won't see me post until Tuesday - after I officially am a graduate of the journalism program at Auburn University :)

But I guess I just need to get this off my chest. Sometimes, I hate myself when I'm around her. I hate that I willingly put myself in this situation. That I get so excited to hear from her, to be with her, then all we do is talk about all of her problems. Problems that are 85% from her own doing. All the while she is talking of how there is nothing good in her life and all I am thinking is "you are talking to the one good thing you HAD in your life and YOU let go."

I've told a few people that I really like the new Anberlin song. It's the truth, I really do. Made even more so at the fact that when I read the lyrics, they made me think of her. So, I lied tonight. Sometimes, when I post lyrics, they are how I'm feeling. Sometimes, they are about you.

"you make my teeth clinch and my hands shake
do you ever see what you do to me?
you're wearing me out, just wearing me out
but i'm wearing you down

you're impossible but lovely
so impossible to win or please
i'm wearing you out, just wearing you out
but i'm wearing you down

take what you want from me, it means nothing now
take everything from me, it means nothing now
not so easy to forget, harder to forget
take what you want

i made your lips slip and your moans quake
try to think through what i can do to you
it's wearing me thin, can i begin
to wear you out?

take what you want from me, it means nothing now
take everything from me, it means nothing now
not so easy to forget, harder to forget
take what you want

i'm impossible to figure out
so impossible, you had your doubts"